


goodbye winter

by undealt



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Deathfic, Diary/Journal, F/M, M/M, Time Skips, catching feelings and then letting them go, death is offscreen!!, nielwink focus, or the aftermath i guess, side onghwang
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-09 13:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13482447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undealt/pseuds/undealt
Summary: As ink floats across the final threads of the page—spilling emotions and dreams, unrealized—Jihoon learns to live, to love, to say goodbye.And in the absence of the smile that made him whole, Daniel learns to piece himself back together.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

  

 _until always_  
_I thought you would forever be in me_  
_gotta let go_  
_gotta let go, ah_

 _the winter of you_  
_is passing_

 

— 겨울이 간다, DAY6

 

 

 

 

         — **_25 December 2022_**

  

The hiss of the radiator echoed through the living room as Daniel lay in the dark, listening idly to the wind howling through the trees, the beginnings of a harsh sleet pattering against his window. He relished in the heat enveloping his body on the floor, the blood rushing back into his fingers, the white of his breath dissipating as he allowed the warmth to take over him.

At least, for today, the tears had stopped. Or so he hoped.

His first Christmas without Jihoon, and all Daniel could feel was hollow.

 

 

Blankets were strewn across the living room, hanging, unfolded, on the back of the sofa, crumpled on the floor into wads where he’d been too lazy—or weak? or sad? not that he could tell anymore—to reach for a pillow. The few presents he’d received—from his parents in Busan, from Seongwoo on another overseas assignment, from the gift exchange at the office—sat scattered in heaps of torn paper and cloth on the coffee table, on the couch, on the floor, not entirely out of their wrappers. A mini, leather-clad Bible, designer cufflinks from Italy, paperweights, earmuffs, things in boxes he couldn’t be bothered to open.

Down the hallway, in the kitchen, his stew sat cold—stew from Jihoon’s parents, all the way from the outskirts of Seoul, delivered by Woojin earlier in the day. A half-lidded morning on the couch spent picking at the edges of tape on boxes, interrupted by the buzz of _Hey, they wanted me to deliver you your usual. Be there in thirty_ , and Daniel had jumped into the shower for the first time in days, had made the effort to look presentable and not like he’d been sleeping on the sofa for a week.

Woojin hadn’t stayed. They met in the lobby, Woojin in his cap and apron, carrying a large paper bag, Daniel in a fresh pair of sweats, hair still damp and stringy. When Daniel reached for his wallet, Woojin had swiped his arm away and shoved the bag into his arms, saying it was a gift from Jihoon’s parents, and that they hoped Daniel would stop by again someday. The way Woojin’s eyes lost their focus for only a second at _Jihoon_ , Daniel couldn’t manage anything but a silent _Thank you_ , the sound unable to escape from his throat.

“Merry Christmas.” Woojin bowed, smiled as he always had whenever Daniel was readying to leave the restaurant, but in the apartment lobby it was shallow, never reaching his eyes. Daniel had stood, alone, staring blankly at the brown bag in his hands, until he heard the squeak of the revolving doors and looked up to meet the eyes of a couple, cheeks red from the cold, fingers intertwined.

_Fingers, fingers that weren’t there for him to hold._

And he’d clutched the bag closer to his chest, nearly tripping over himself in a rush to return to the solitude of his own four walls.

He’d slammed the bag onto the kitchen table then gone straight back to his spot on the couch, pulled two different blankets off the floor after shoving all the boxes he’d just been working on aside, and burrowed himself in a nest of warmth and salt and tears, trying to forget about hands he couldn’t touch, smiles he’d never see again.

 

 

Seongwoo had called—woken up Daniel, really, sometime after all traces of sunlight had left the room. He’d been dreaming of something vaguely like bees, buzzing all around, only to wake up in the dark, his phone threatening to fall off the coffee table from its incessant vibrating.

_12 missed calls from Ong-hyung_

“Shit.”

It was the first word he’d vocalized all day. Not that he’d spoken much more on the phone with Seongwoo.

“Hey, it’s still Christmas there, right? You’d think I’d have my shit together by now after how many trips abroad but I’m still complete garbage with time zones, would you believe it?”

“Mm.” Daniel would, in fact, believe it. Seongwoo had always, truly, been shit at keeping track of time in college, Daniel having been woken by _Seongwoo’s_ alarm more often than not, as the latter continued to exercise his half-conscious liberty over the snooze button. As a result, Daniel had often ended up waking and leaving earlier than his hyung even though he had later classes. And yet, Seongwoo had graduated with enough internship experience and a high enough GPA to immediately be recruited into a firm in inner Seoul, where he was still working and had been promoted several times already. Typical, laid-back overachiever, Ong Seongwoo.

“Anyway, just wanted to call. It’s really weird being in a country where  _everything_ is closed on Christmas. Fucking wild. Can’t even go to the convenience store for a pack.”

Having spent some years in Canada, it hadn’t been a particularly foreign concept to Daniel. He heard Seongwoo take a drag through the silence.

“Cufflinks were okay?”

“Gorgeous.”

“I’m glad.”

For a few moments, all Daniel heard were Seongwoo’s breaths, in and out, picturing the smoke surrounding him like an aura.

“I’d ask how you’re doing, but I know you’ll just lie through your teeth and pretend you’re fine.” Seongwoo sighed. “Did you talk to anyone today, at least? And don’t say me, smartass.”

Daniel had been surprised to find that he still had enough energy left to roll his eyes, though Seongwoo couldn’t see. “You remember the other waiter, Woojin?”

“Oh yeah, the one with the tooth.”

“He came all the way over to deliver stew from—” Daniel swallowed _Jihoon’s parents_ back into his throat. “—from the restaurant.”

Another drag. “And it's sitting cold on your table, isn’t it.”

Daniel knew Seongwoo hadn’t been asking. They’d known each other too long, too well.

“At least have a bite. Don’t leave Mrs. Park hanging like that.”

_If only it were that easy, to eat the same stew he served me, the same stew his parents always started preparing as soon as they saw me walk through the door. Like that’s not all out the window now. Like I wouldn’t end up tasting my own tears in it._

“I gotta go, I’ve got a meeting soon. I’m taking you out when I’m back next month, alright? My treat.”

The phone was heavy next to Daniel’s ear. “Yeah.”

“I know you don’t want to talk right now, but you know I’m always a text or call away.”

The only sound from Daniel’s end of the receiver was the beginnings of his radiator coming to life.

“Daniel.” Seongwoo pronounced every syllable in his name deliberately, no one-syllable _Niel_ to keep the mood light and easy.

“Mm.”

A beat. Then, “Merry Christmas, Niel.” _Click_.

 

 

It could have been five minutes, five hours, he wasn’t sure anymore. But after Seongwoo hung up, Daniel had crawled his way onto the floor, to the empty space next to the radiator, the hissing a welcome distraction from his thoughts. And now, even through the whistling of the radiator, through the wind smashing against the trees, through the precipitation beginning to accumulate on his windowpane—Daniel could hear the faint melodies leaving the mouths of carolers outside the building, all _jingle bells_ and _silent night_ even as the sleet continued to fall. A natural percussion, of sorts, to their singing, the notes barely floating past his curtains.

He remembered Mr. Park relaying to him one night, when it was just him left in the restaurant after hours as Mrs. Park counted the register and Jihoon wiped the tables down, how Jihoon used to go caroling every year with Woojin and their friends in elementary school, in full costume. Mr. Park mentioned some pictures in an old photo album, but hadn’t gotten further as Jihoon had nearly flung his sponge to the other wall in embarrassment, and Mrs. Park had ushered him out soon after that, with calls of _Oh, don’t mind them, dear. Get home safe!_

Would Jihoon have recalled his own years caroling, as embarrassing as it seemed to him then, and sung along? Put on a Santa hat to go with his bright, red-and-green-striped fuzzy sweater, gone down outside in only that and his pajama pants just to listen? Stood there for how long to clap with the kids, even in the rain and snow, tell them how great they were, hand out candy canes, send them on their merry way to the next building?

And he thought he felt them coming, but the tears wouldn’t start, couldn’t start, because all Daniel felt was empty. A space, somewhere inside him, carved out slowly, over weeks, months, years. A space that opened itself to be filled, only to become hollow once again, as vacant as the air he felt himself struggling to breathe, unable to allow himself to feel that emptiness in its entirety. A piece of himself, taken away, never to be replaced.

_I miss you. Merry Christmas, Jihoonie._

 

 

 

 

          — **_19 March 2019, 21:42_ **

  

_Aish, I just started the new school year! I DON’T NEED THIS!!_

_Pretty slow day today, from the cold, I figure. I did homework for an hour straight without being disturbed, which was nice, if only it weren’t math… whatever. We hadn’t had anyone for a bit so Mom was about to ask me to close, since we only had, what, twenty minutes left? Okay, fine, she usually doesn’t make me start closing until it hits 9 on the dot exactly or whenever it clears out after that, but let me dream. So I was about to get the mop, except speak of the devil, some guy in a suit came sauntering through the door right then. What kind of crappy timing?? And Woojin betrayed me and left right before this guy came in to go make a delivery to one of the ahjummas up the hill so I had to deal with this guy by myself! Woojin-ah why do you do this to meeee ㅠㅠ_

_Did I mention the suit? And the briefcase? God, we rarely get those types around here. Remember last time with those drunk businessmen? Nevermind, I don’t even want to talk about last time, that projectile vomit still gives me nightmares. Ugh._

_Back to tonight. So I’m like whyyyyyy??? in my head, Woojin you have forsaken my barren soul, you limp piece of cabbage. But you know Mom, she gave me The Look™ so I put on my best waiter smile and took his order, just some regular spicy beef stew. How boring. But also, he was so smiley? Is that even a word? I swear on Woojin’s future grave, he looked like a rabbit with his front teeth. Like his eyes straight up disappeared whenever he smiled. Kind of like Woojin actually? No snaggletooth though, unless you count the rabbit teeth, I guess._

_After I told Mom his order I was about to go get the mop like I intended before this guy came in, but no, of course she whacked me right in the gut as I was going past her to get to the closet and told me to go make conversation. Man, I just wanted to do some mindless cleaning after trying to graph derivatives for an hour!! But she was probably gonna schedule me for extra hours on the weekend if I didn’t and I already have a test next Monday, sooo I decided to forget the mop, my one true love, and go make small talk._

_I was really curious why a guy in a suit and briefcase would come around here, and especially to my parents’ place, since as he could clearly see, it’s pretty small and a bit run-down and it’s mostly the neighborhood locals who come. I’m pretty sure it’s the same twenty people every week at this point. So I took the chair across from him, said hi, and he just smiled again. Wow, how is someone even that smiley all the time? At least I can just smack Woojin up the head when he’s been showing his snaggletooth too long and he knows I still love him._

_Anyway, I asked him how he found us. And he laughed, LAUGHED, showed all his teeth, they were really crooked on the bottom—explains the bunny teeth, I guess. I thought he already looked kind of like a dog with his eyes getting all crinkly when he smiled but man, his ENTIRE face really wrinkled up when he laughed. And it was so loud I could even see Mom peeking out from the back. Turns out he’d just graduated from university, so he wasn’t more than like, three or four years older than me, probably._

_Then get this: he was in the middle of job searching. In this pocket of the district?? Jeez, we’re barely Seoul at this point, the biggest non-government business around here is the new market on the avenue, and I’m pretty sure some rich relative of one of the families on the hill opened that one. Mrs. Choi down the street has fresher produce, anyway._

_But yeah, he was job searching in the area, mostly in the next neighborhood where they actually have some bigger businesses more up his alley, probably. So at least the suit made more sense. And then he was just wandering around after getting tired of that, started asking on the hill where he could grab a good bite and they all said to come down here, even though it’d be a trek. And he came! The power of Mom’s cooking ㅎㅎ_

_Apparently he’d applied to a lot of major firms in and around inner Seoul already, so he started widening his search by going further from the center since there’s never the guarantee that he’ll get the job, even if he interviews. The wider the net, the better the chances, I guess. And then MOM, GIGANTIC PAIN IN MY ASS, apparently heard that from the kitchen and yelled, “Well, isn’t that a good attitude! Why don’t you take this fine young man’s mindset to heart, Jihoonie?” I couldn’t even yell back or answer or anything because he immediately went, “Oh, she seems nice.”_

_Then looked straight at me and smiled again. “Jihoonie.”_

_AISH!!!_

_This sounds really dumb, honestly, but I could feel myself blushing?? From that “Jihoonie.” No one ever calls me that except Mom, sometimes Dad, because everyone knows I hate it. I mean, Woojin does it sometimes when he’s being an ass. It sounded kind of… cute when he said it though? WOW, I hate myself for writing that down, I can’t believe I actually thought that sounded cute…  I’m cringing at myself right now uuuuuuuugh get yourself together Park Jihoon!!!_

_It’s fine, whatever!! Honestly, I’ll probably never see him again, what are the chances he comes back to some random run-down restaurant on the outskirts of the city? After that I just bowed and finally went to the back to get the mop, my one true love. I saw Mom give me a look again when I passed the kitchen, and I’m sure she would’ve stopped me like the first time if she weren’t busy cooking. I didn’t really care at that point, I really just didn’t want this guy seeing me blush. Look, at least the mop never betrays me. ㅠㅠ Good thing Woojin wasn’t around and only came back later, he would’ve never let me live that down…_

_Anyway, seems like he enjoyed the stew! He never told us his name, so I’ll never know that, I guess. And he paid cash, so we don’t have any card info or whatever. (I’m not being creepy, I swear, just pointing out that I WOULD at least know his name if he paid with card since it’d be on the receipt. Not creepy!) Well, good luck, Mr. Hopefully Future Inner Seoul Businessman. I will… just try to forget about how smiley you were! And that I thought you calling me “Jihoonie” was cute! I’m still cringing at myself but I will forget!! Park Hoonji fighting!!!_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

 

          — **_25 December 2023_ **

 

Daniel kept the lights on this year. Kept the blankets in the closet where they belonged, neat, folded, no more stray threads beneath his feet. Kept the curtains drawn, so he’d have more light before the sun kissed the day goodbye. Turned the TV on, kept it tuned to the Christmas specials all day, so he could hear voices other than the thoughts in his head, give himself the illusion of being less alone.

The small Christmas tree he’d bought last week twinkled next to the TV, shining red and gold and green, pre-packaged ornaments hanging askew on their branches. His mom had called, asked if he’d gotten a Christmas tree yet. “No,” he’d answered blankly, peeling his eyes away from the blue light of his office desktop, trying to forget about the foot-tall stack of papers in manila folders to his left, waiting. She’d lectured him about how he should at least get a small one, keep the tradition of Christmas alive, whatever. So he’d gone to the mall the next day after work and and grabbed the nearest tree in a box that wasn’t more than half his height, spent his night trying to set up the various baubles and lights to something resembling what was pictured on the box. _Fuck it_ , after an hour, left the back undecorated, jammed the star on the top branch so hard the top half of the tree bent itself at an angle. _Good enough._

He knew his mom had only been trying to help. Daniel had, after all, always been the one to embrace the holiday spirit back home in Busan. But the last two weeks of being surrounded by decorations at work, carols floating through the doors of stores he’d walk past on his way home, his own crooked tree gleaming by itself in the living room—none of it did anything to ease what he knew was coming, another Christmas with himself and his thoughts, feelings he’d rather not have, the familiar ache he’d rather tear out of his own chest. Not that he was expecting any of it to help. He’d tried, at least.

_Good enough._

 

 

Seongwoo’s call only interrupted his dinner this time, on the low-lying coffee table in front of the TV, trying to keep attention on the holiday music special on the screen.

“How’s Sydney?”

“Weird. It’s SUMMER here.”

“You know the equator exists, right?”

“I didn’t do _that_ bad in geography.” Not that he could see, but Daniel was sure Seongwoo was rolling his eyes. “You spend your entire life bundled in blankets and scarves at Christmas, and then one year you suddenly wake up in shorts and you’re sweating your balls off.”

Daniel was glad his next bite of food hadn’t made it to his mouth yet, spoon frozen in midair. “That is an image I could have done without, thanks.”

“Anytime.”

On the screen opposite him, two singers were beginning a duet, the stage adorned in cutout snowflakes and wreaths of gold, the lights dimming to give focus to the singers. _I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me..._

“You’re not alone again at home, are you?”

“I’m fine.” The lie was out of Daniel’s mouth before he even had a chance to think about it. It had become far too natural, too easy, to sidestep the question, answer with anything but the truth.

A sigh escaped Seongwoo’s lips, so faint and airy Daniel barely caught it. Seongwoo had always known better than to believe him.

Daniel looked down at his bowl, the last few shreds of beef floating in red, among the green of scallions and the white of mushrooms, nearly soaked to the center with soup.

“They sent me stew again.”

“Oh? Please tell me you’re eating it this year.”

“Nearly done, actually. Your call cut my dinner short.”

Seongwoo laughed, so loudly that the sound continued to ring in Daniel’s ear. “You don’t sound mad about it.”

“I’m not. Thanks for calling, really.” Daniel chewed on his last pieces of beef, slowly, relishing the spice that burned in his throat. “I was lying, I’m not fine. But it’s better than it was, last year.”

There was only silence from Seongwoo, and Daniel knew he was being wordlessly implored to continue. Even with his best friend, he’d rarely opened up about Jihoon since his death, preferring to brush off thoughts of wishing him well and channeling his grief into work instead, to shove the throbbing in his chest away. To forget.

“It still hurts. I don’t think that’s ever going to leave. This time of year will always be harder on me, probably.”

Daniel focused his eyes at the TV, the white and gold of the decorations, the edges of his vision beginning to blur.

“But it’s duller, if a little. Time heals all wounds, or something.” Daniel released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, long and slow. “I don’t know where I’ll be next year, or even five years from now. And I don’t know if I’d rather forget about it sometimes. Just pretend it never happened, because it might be easier that way than have to carry this around the rest of my life.”

“You know that’s not true.” Seongwoo’s voice was soft, quiet, a departure from his usual volume. “And I know you’d never truly _want_ to forget.”

_Christmas Eve will find me, where the love light gleams…_

“He wouldn’t want you to forget, either. Wouldn’t want you to forget him, or that you still feel this way even now. I know I teased you about him a lot, but I always saw how much you cared for him, and you two really had something even if it was short. You gave up a lot of yourself when he was in the hospital, Niel. That’s all you ever wanted to feel about anyone, isn’t it?”

“I—It was.” Daniel could barely form the words, remembering heart-to-hearts with Seongwoo in the dorm about the lives they wanted to live after college, all half-drunken candor under the light of the stars. Both of them, wanting to graduate well, to work their way into the top businesses in the heart of the city. To still keep in touch with each other, to always to be just a phone call or text away, no matter what happened. To keep honest about their feelings, even if just to themselves. To fall in love, to find someone to cherish so deeply that loving became so real, so natural, like breathing.

“You remember, what was it, a few weeks before that Christmas? We walked out of the hospital together and you said, Seongwoo, I think I might be in love. And I looked at you like you were crazy, because how fucking long did it take you to realize that?”

Through the growing haze in his vision, Daniel laughed in spite of himself, remembering Seongwoo’s expression, staring at him like he’d just sprouted another head. He recalled how terrified he’d been the moment the words _I think I might be in love_ left his lips, like he was walking on water, light as air, and yet ready to be pulled under by the waves and drown at the same time.

“That feeling, Daniel. Not the fear of being in love, but the joy that you’d found your someone, even if he’s gone. Don’t lose it.”

Daniel closed his eyes, and for once, allowed himself to feel.

 _I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams_.

 

 

 

 

          — **_11 August 2019, 00:21_ **

 

_Oh my GOD._

_Remember in_ ~~_Februa_~~ _no, it was March, I was already starting the semester—there was this guy in a suit who came to the restaurant, and I was annoyed because we were closing soon, but actually I ended up finding his nonstop smiling kind of cute? And he called me Jihoonie and I thought that was CUTE and aaaaagggghhh I can’t believe I’m actually writing that!!_

_Speaking of, I just remembered something, I saw someone walking a dog—uh, a samoyed? Is that what they’re called, the really big, fluffy white dogs? Anyway, I saw someone walking one when I was hanging out with Woojin and Hyungseob last month. It looked really happy with its tongue out and everything and I thought it looked familiar for some reason? Like I was sure I’d seen them before either from other dog owners or even just pictures, but that was the first time I was looking at one and thought, “Huh, there’s something really familiar about that face,” but I couldn’t place it then. I mean, why would I find a dog’s face familiar, of all things?_

_Well, guess who figured out who that dog, from a freaking month ago, reminded me of just now._

_And guess who also came back to the restaurant after half a year???_

_“I’ll probably never see him again” Ha ha HA, JOKE’S ON YOU, PARK JIHOON FROM MARCH!!! Yes, I did just flip back to check what I wrote that day, sue me. See, this is why I write, so I can remember what I’ve forgotten and occasionally check how embarrassing I was how many months ago ㅎ_

_It was early Saturday evening so we weren’t that busy yet and I was at the counter taking an order on the phone when he walked in. I didn’t even recognize him at first in the hoodie and jeans? I mean, weekend, so the clothes made sense, but also it was like twenty-eight degrees out today, wasn’t he hot?? But, wow, what a complete turn from the suit from last time. Felt like I could’ve seen someone on campus with that exact outfit. Woojin was getting orders from the back and I was still on the phone, so I said hello from the counter real quick and motioned him to sit down at one of the small tables before I went over._

_Still didn’t recognize him until I actually went to his table, about to say good afternoon, what can I get for you today, all that crap, but as I approached he looked up and smiled—same smile I remembered from March and I froze in my spot for a second? Straight up FROZE. What the hell, Jihoon!! It was the stupid smile that made me recognize him of all things, that dang puppy face ㅠㅠ_

_Ugh, I felt my eyes go wide too when I finally saw who it was and he just kept smiling. But! I am not so easily defeated!! I got my wits together, put my waiter face on, and asked him what brought him to the restaurant again. He just got hired recently in the inner city and said he wanted to celebrate—except what, who the hell celebrates getting hired by going to an old family restaurant two districts away, and by themselves?? What a weirdo… I forgot about keeping up my waiter facade for a second and I was like, “You don’t have friends for that?” before I even knew what was out of my mouth!! So much for having my wits together._

_And OOPS, I hadn’t seen Mom come out from the back to help serve food and she heard me and hissed “PARK JIHOON!” from behind me ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅠㅠ  Sorryyyyy, I just couldn’t imagine someone getting hired in freaking inner Seoul and then celebrating by hopping on the metro to go back to some tiny restaurant they went to once like six months ago? And then he shows up in a dark pink hoodie and ripped jeans? A weirdo!!_

_He just laughed at me, anyway ㅠㅠ So did Woojin behind the counter, that ass. About the celebrating, he said something like, good news is worth sharing, whether with strangers or not. Okay, that’s a really good thought, I’ll give him that. Then Mom turned around and recognized him too—“Oh, you’re the fine young man in the suit from earlier this year! Jihoonie, you remember him, don’t you? I told you you should think more like him, didn’t I? Now, too!”_

_Aaaaand cue to me trying my absolute hardest to transcend worldly physics and melt straight into the ground and become one with the floor tiles right then and there!! Needless to say, I am here and still writing, so I failed spectacularly, unfortunately. I couldn’t even see Woojin at the counter anymore, pretty sure he was dying on the floor. And one of our regular families, the Jungs with twin daughters, were starting to look up from their food to stare. The one in purple, Haena, was giggling and giving a thumbs up, or something? God, will anyone in this restaurant ever let me live? I swear._

_Then he went, “Ah, Jihoonie. I knew I was forgetting your name.” Smiled again. Does he ever stop smiling? “I did enjoy the stew last time, so I’d like another bowl of that, please!”_

_And OF COURSE the “Jihoonie” again—Mom would call me that again, and in front of him of all people ㅠㅠ Felt myself blush! Again! Had to run to the back to go do something else so he wouldn’t see me as pink as his hoodie!! Again!! I was right, Woojin was dying on the floor. Got up before Mom came around to the kitchen and pretended he was picking up trash, bah. But right after that we started getting our regular weekend evening rush, so I had a good excuse not to have to make conversation like when he was here last. Plus Mom had Woojin serve him this time around, in case I “said something stupid to the nice young man in the pink” again. Okay, Mom, I get it ㅠㅠ_

_I was trying to avoid him anyway, to be honest, I really was not in the mood to publicly embarrass myself twice in one hour. But as I was going around refilling drinks he caught me by the arm—yeesh, I almost dropped the pitcher, thank God I’ve been doing this so long I know how to deal with someone bumping into me when I’m carrying dishes or whatever._

_He called me by name, just “Jihoon, right?” I was steeling myself for another “Jihoonie” it actually startled me enough again that I almost dropped the damn pitcher another time. It was a little darker out by then and our lighting’s not great so if I was still blushing or whatever, just hope he didn’t see it… Then he apologized? For causing that fuss earlier with Mom? I don’t know why HE was apologizing when I’m the one who ran my mouth about him not having any friends to celebrate with or whatever!! And Mom was the one decided to hiss my name loud enough that half the restaurant heard! I mean, okay, I deserved that. But still!_

_I just felt really bad at that point, seriously wanted to give melting into the floor another go, but then he changed the subject and said he was really happy to see the restaurant full and bustling. I pointed out that he came on a weekday night last time twenty before closing and now he’s here on Saturday evening—and uh, realized I was maybe running my mouth again when he laughed and scratched his neck in response. Jihoon, what are you doing! Jihoon, stop talking!! Really, I should carry duct tape in my apron at this point and seal my own mouth. At least Mom wasn’t around for that one. And Woojin was too busy scrubbing the toilet in the back, or something, I like to imagine._

_He said he needed to be going soon, he did actually have a friend he was meeting afterwards for drinks, sooo guess who felt even more of a complete ass after that. So I finally apologized for what I said earlier!! And he just SMILED again and wow, it’s like I could feel him forgiving me just through the smile? He didn’t even say anything, but how weird, to feel that comforted by a smile? Aaagh._

_I had to go to the back after that to help with the food and he was already gone when I came back out. Woojin picked up his bill and he paid cash again, but this time he left his name on the receipt—Kang Daniel. Da-ni-el. Is he foreign? I mean, if you can count looking like a freaking human samoyed as foreign... His Korean is great, but he slips into satoori occasionally, so maybe he just changed his name or something._

_He also left “Be back soon!” on the receipt, so I guess we’ll see him again? He’s completely cleaned his bowl both times now, so he must really like Mom’s stew ㅋㅋ But he did just get hired, so I assume he’ll have less free time, much less to ride how many stops on the metro just to eat here. I don’t want to get my hopes up. YES, fine, I might be into the idea of seeing him again. Yeah, I made an ass of myself, but something about him is just really calming? I’ve never felt that at ease before just from someone smiling at me, like everything else just melted away. I don’t know. Looking at Woojin smile for too long just makes me want to punch him. I may also be a weirdo._

_Of course I’ve got like, three more weeks to ruminate on this because school’s not starting for a few more weeks. Well, I have to declare next semester so I can distract myself with relevant school decisions, I guess! I know Dad’s been sort of nudging me towards something business-related in case I wanted to take over the restaurant, but it’s never really appealed to me? I’ve always been happy just helping around, and I know Mom knows that. She always says that as long as I study hard at whatever I do and make sure I chase after every opportunity afforded to me, she’ll be supportive. The food chemistry elective I took last semester with Woojin was pretty interesting? I’d have to look into it more but I enjoyed the class a lot, and knowing more about what’s in the food that I eat, chemically, is really cool. I’ll figure it out._

_Wow, alright, this got really long. Guess it’s a good thing he came Saturday evening and not Sunday so I can sleep in. Thanks for timing your visit well, Mr. Recently-Hired Kang Daniel! Off to sleep, finally~_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (screams) WRITING IS HARD and also this subject matter but lol i continue to willingly do this to myself so whose fault is that really
> 
> thanks to d for reading over so far <3 and for reminding me that this wasn’t even supposed to be fucking 7-part deathfic, lmfaoooooo
> 
>  
> 
> _me: hey jess i wanna do like three connected drabbles for this, is that cool?_  
>  _me, a week later: OKAY SORRY seven parts and jihoon is dead, is that fine_
> 
>  
> 
> sdkfdsjgsfg

**Author's Note:**

> so we're, uh, operating in an au where conscription isn’t a thing - by the time i remembered it i was too far into planning and writing to account for it, oops. i’m sure i could have, but i also did not have the time to reconfigure lol. OH WELL that’s what aus are for i guess
> 
> this is part of the [@nwstarrynights](https://twitter.com/nwstarrynights) project! please read some of the other fics if you haven’t already :) this will be seven parts and _hopefully_ i can get at least half of it published during the rest of the fest (eyes) pray 4 me, slowest writer in the universe
> 
> because i’m on a (mostly self-imposed) time crunch and i'd really like to just get this out vs. edit forever and never publish - lots of things i'm not super happy with and things i'd try to portray differently or more accurately personality-wise if i had the time - hope this is okay so far?
> 
> thanks for reading!!


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